“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” – Proverbs 4:25-26

It’s been almost ten years since I started this blog. I thought by now I would have had things figured out. I thought I would feel “healed” from my past. The truth is, there’s no healing from emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. There’s acceptance. My past doesn’t go away, it lies there, dormant in my subconscious mind until something sets off a memory… and I’m right there again.

I was walking down the aisle at Safeway over the weekend and saw a Halloween decoration that took me back to my childhood when I was put into temporary foster care. It’s strange to know that the one consistent experience of my childhood was confusion… feeling confused not knowing where I was going, who was taking me, and who I was going to be with. There was a little boy I met in the home I stayed at, and I remember seeing the Halloween decorations hanging from the walls. Little bats. I had no sense of time as the days went by… the boy eventually left, and I was still there. Alone.

It hurt my heart to remember. I snapped back to my present day… walking down the aisle, a grown 38 year-old woman, feeling like a confused 7 year-old all over again. I’m learning that it comes in waves. I’ve spent the past several years out on the open ocean, trying to heal myself, trying to physically push through all these memories… I wanted to drown them out, but I’m learning that it doesn’t change the past.

There is no running away.

I watched the fireworks in Waikiki with my family the other night and felt a dull ache in my heart. Letting my mind drift to feel through the ache, I remembered my friend’s dad taking us to watch the fireworks when I was a little girl… that’s how he got to know me. That’s how it started.

There is no running away.

This is the first time I’ve truly had the space and time to feel for myself. I’m learning the past will keep coming up in waves, and it’s okay. I’m okay. Sometimes, I’ll feel my past take over, but it’s okay… there’s nothing to be ashamed of, to apologize for, or feel guilty about. I can’t change it… all I can do is live with it, and keep trying to fill my life up with better memories.

To all those who battle your past, it’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. Find that little something in your day that brings you joy — a smile, your quiet cup of coffee, your child’s hand reaching up to you, the white feather falling from the Sky… hold onto that… we’re alive and life is worth it through every calm and every storm.

We don’t need to run away.

Big hugs,

Diana